It is music that tears me apart. It's only music and watching her leave me that can ever make me cry. And I love this feeling. I must be a masochist in psychological terms, perhaps "in love" in artistic terms and a lunatic in capitalistic terms. It is only now, at such hight of emotions where my senses are so sharp, so sensitive that I understand those are all different labels for the same feeling. I know now that in essence it is the feeling that matters and not its labels.
My goal should not be to find the best label and associate myself with the organization which puts that label on my feelings, thoughts..... my being. My aim should be to reach that feeling and manage to maintain it. It is difficult to really capture these moments let aside maintaining them. It is something I like to call "emotional acrobatics", where you're suddenly shocked with a strong sense and you need to realize it and control it. Very much the same as skiing where you are constantly slipping but you get accustomed to the shock and learn to maneuver around it. You slowly get better at it, until you master the act of skiing.
I want to be the lunatic who fell in love with masochism. I want to expose myself to such emotional moments and test my maneuvering abilities around them. I must become in full control of my feelings. Once I have mastered that, I have nothing to lose thereafter.
It is then that I can truly love others. It is then that my love for others can perhaps become truly unconditional, regardless of their sex, bad deeds, lack of ethics or even savagery towards me. Because it is he who can fall in love with masochism that can perhaps love his savager unconditionally. Because loving your savager is yet another form of masochism.
There is one and only one way which I have discovered for testing my acrobatic skills. I must be fluid. I must adapt my self to my surroundings, while enjoying those moments. I must find the value in every painful moment. I must learn to appreciate every human being for what they have to offer, whether it be good or evil. I must learn to fluidly be in the moment while fully detached from the moment's components. This way I will build a resilience, strange to humanity, towards every moment and learn to cherish the moment for what it has to offer. Separating your self from the moment, while fluidly flowing in the moment is key my friends.
It is the abundance of feelings attached to every moment that stop us from being fluid. Fluidity must come from within though since the outside is too chaotic and out of our control. We must posses full inner control. It is once we have reached a certain level of fluidity, that we can start separating ourselves from the components building the moment.